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Healing Unresolved Grief......

Posted by Merna Throne on Friday, June 17, 2016 Under: My Magical Mystery Tour/Music Marathon


As I sit here this morning on June 17th without the internet, it is giving me time to write this blog out and publish it later. Funny how so many things in life that stops these days if no Wifi access. However, you can still find things to do if you try. I have been in Colorado almost a month now and it is going to be hard to leave Patty & Rick. (She doesn’t want me to leave either) Patty has always called me her little sis since we met in the 80s on Sanibel Island, FL and we always just pick up right where we left off. Over the years we have seen each other when I am in Florida and she has been to Iowa too.  I will find the time again to come and visit them and the gorgeous Rocky Mountains!

            Each place I have stopped since I left SW Florida March 28, 2016 I have gained so much clarity, much needed rest, refocusing, and healed another layer of my heart that needed it. I know I have unresolved grief just from the past few years. This is what my core sadness has been (regardless of the gossip. Hey talk about me, then you are giving someone else a break) and I knew it too. I was so busy making a living, trying to resolve issues from that acreage I sold last year, etc. ( I am still dealing with repercussions from that) I didn’t take the time to heal my heart before the next thing happened. I worked hard at keeping all these balls up in the air and it was exhausting. Life is much more precious than this, so I am the one I had to call a “truce” with myself and heal my heart. Not even totally sure when the sadness began. I think it was a few years before moving to Florida and my physical health declined rapidly that impeded my ability to get around. The joints were going to hell in my weight bearing ones (both hips & Knees). It was awful and I tried to keep it hidden. Then I moved to Florida for climate change to help my health and I was given the gift of 4 full joint replacements in one calendar year. Yep, I got on that~! It was hell, but oh so worth it. I was using the electric scooters in stores at this point and a cane which I hated! Talk about swallowing my pride.         

            Three months after my last surgery my sister Carol was diagnosed with Cancer and it was bad. Flew to Arkansas for one month to help with the boys & get her started with Chemo. This was Aug/Sept of 2013 and then I came back to Florida to continue going on. By Dec 2013, the new owners of my acreage (sold contract for deed) in 2011 stopped paying for it. Working part time and paying for an acreage (where they lived) and my apartment on a part time job. Carol’s health continued to decline (my heart was always in my stomach during this time) and I flew home in May 2014 to help her in her last weeks. Draining, but wouldn’t be anywhere else... This was my sister. She died June 18th and I will never forget it. We were ALL there at the right time to say good bye during her transition to heaven. We are all so grateful for that and it was God’s work doing this. My heart was shattered once again and I hate going through this…. God did put some pretty incredible friends in my life in Florida who are and will be lifelong friends I trust with my life. His work is simply amazing!

 The day after she died, I finally got possession of the acreage to change locks. I was devastated by the loss of my sister and this added to it. It was destroyed everywhere. I had to renovate it to sell it – 7 days a week until September when I went home to FL. I had some wonderful Iowa friends help too when they could. God is good, but we have to be open to see it! No time to grieve for me. I know its material stuff, but I am the one who was responsible for it all & still have to deal with it all. Went home after 4 months and got my life back together, trying to sell a home I was still paying for from Florida, working to make ends meet….just kept too busy to grieve. I continued to just be my best and deal with EVERYTHING...Trying to have some fun too and did!  Details are crazy, but not worth repeating in hind sight. Since 2010, I have earned 2 Masters Degrees during all this too. LOL I am a driven person, so I always do what I need too, even when it’s too hard on my body. I would get teary eyed when I was out with friends and I never told them what I was thinking, feeling, or the latest text message I just got from someone. By July 2015, still living in my whirlwind of it ALL. (all my choice, but knew I hadn’t grieved much of anything) I got a call that told me my lifelong friend Marisa, died suddenly. I was stunned, angry, deeply saddened, had regrets, and it was just surreal. There is so much I could say about this, but I just need to deal with the loss, deep sadness, my regrets, and missing her. A couple months later a good man from my church died and he/his wife who were my Florida Parents. I admit it… I went completely numb at this point and just tried to keep it all together. There are many ups/downs in all this too. Worried about my Dad’s health. My parents were grieving the loss of their daughter. Us kids were missing a sibling and still hard to believe that… They all were in Iowa and I was in Florida… I love Florida and its where my life was happening.

            January 1st, 2016 I started plotting the Road Trip around the USA. (the truth how this started will be in my blog at the end of this journey) I allowed God to help build it and of what it would entail organically. Some things work out, others don’t. What I didn’t expect already is each place I have been has helped heal a layer of me that I just did not expect. I am finding who I am again and its feeling great. I am not quite half way through here, so each step of the way I know there are more lessons, healing, and BIG Dreams waiting for me. I have to stay open enough to see them!

            I was working onsite in Florida a lot and even though I have new joints I just cannot go at that pace indefinitely. I was in pain (more than normal) and swollen daily = a lot! Like I said I am a driven person, but I have to be smart about my health and body. I know my limitations now even if others don’t get it. I won’t explain to others because fault finders will always look for ways to judge you. Nope, I don’t play that game. Look in the mirror and worry about yourself. When something is wrong in my life I look in the mirror first and see what I could/may be contributing.

            There still has been a lot of Music on this Road Trip for me anyways. I have my head phones and new music all the time. One gift, so far, out of this road trip is visiting some of the strongest constants in my life with Family & friends. I needed to be reminded of this and the healing power of just “being” with them has been incredible.

I recently found out my niece and her hubby are having their first baby November 6th. It’s a girl and thinking of returning to Florida after that. Maybe I will pop down to see some family & friends before…. Who knows and that is part of this fun too! If you got this far in my blog – thank you! Not sure many did, but hope we all can learn from my lessons while I am Road Trippin the USA! I opened up my heart some here and it was hard to share with whoever reads it… but who the fuck cares… This is me – Take it or leave it! It’s just that simple ;)


Stay cool ~ Later!


In : My Magical Mystery Tour/Music Marathon 

Tags: grief  broken heart  healing  music marathon  road trip  open road  great adventure  hope 
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