5 Keys to Find Peace by Placating
By Merna Throne, M.S.
To Appease or not to Appease
thought this was a good topic to finally write about as I know so many people
go through this mental dilemma, but they endure in silence and their
relationships suffer from their need to fight about details that probably won’t
matter in an hour. (Been there!) In my experience as a personal coach many,
many clients bring this up and point out times they just do not want to do
this. They feel or are called fake for doing so and if they try to talk it out
they are called trouble or dramatic. Well it may seem like a dilemma, but it is
more of a perspective thing. Now now…I am not saying just stuff your feelings
and enjoy a pizza later, but rather strong communication skills that may keep
you from embarrassment in the end. We all just need to brush up on a few skills
and it starts with self. (NOT someone else…I know what you are thinking here :)
- take only your own inventory) I know…I know…you are thinking it is much
easier said than done until you are in the heat of the moment of choosing which
path to take. Fight/disagree or Placate?
I know I have kicked around the topic of placating as some secret code everyone knows except me, but you are not alone. I researched the definition through a few online dictionaries and they were unanimous with the understanding of bringing peace, quiet, calm, or to soothe to a situation. In addition, to soothe or attempt to calm (an opponent) by conceding concessions, often at the expense of the belief. Often individuals do not realize they are igniting the situation by arguing as a right fighter. I have done this many times too, but learning to keep the fire out of conversation with integrity by diffusing the situation. It isn’t easy, but oooh so very possible. The right fighter may not realize how they are coming off either… because they feel they are right. It is not about right or wrong, but instead you are seeking resolution between two people. I promise it will feel much better afterwards than losing your temper. If this is you I am going offer you some skills to remember and the more you practice it they will become second nature. The fine line to not cross here is coming across that you are being patronizing and talking down to the person because this is another can of gasoline on that fire.
Placating or appeasing doesn’t
mean you are being fake or phony when you know thyself and your self-esteem is
stronger. Another one that may become confused by these terms and their actions
are individuals who are people pleasers
and this is a whole different topic that I will write about later on. They are
someone who is afraid of saying no and often has a very low self-esteem. Just
to keep this simple let’s move on to some skills to carry in your pocket to appease the situation, so you can fall back on them. The best way to practice in
your head (while talking out-loud works best) is using past situations where you should have been the soother or appeaser…..That way you have your
personal emotion involved because this is the gasoline as well.
Throw another can of gas on that fire won't ya!
Be the voice of reason, the comforter, and the appeaser.
Think 555…. Will it matter in 5 minutes, will it matter in 5 hours, and will it
matter in 5 weeks…Remember, it is not about being right, but rather being
rational, mature, and grounded. These are the 5 keys for true resolution and a
much stronger communication understanding and skill.
Be the Appeaser……
to what is being said... No ego, just your heart.
2. Think before you speak, and acknowledge what they have said in a positive manner. Do not be patronizing either. This is a sure way to continue the fire to get hotter.
3. Think peace, calm, soothe. It will be okay
because this might not be about you and things usually work out if we let them.
4. State the appeasement using the “I” starters. “I can see that this is hard to talk about and it is so understandable. Would it be OK if we take a minute here and have some coffee? Then we can both sit and relax a minute. It will be OK! We will figure it out together since this relationship means more to me than a disagreement.”
5. Let it go… See how the person responds
and if needed, begin again with #1 with offering to come back another time to discuss. Ask if it would
be OK with them too. Remember you are not the only one in this conversation.
In the end, it isn’t about being
right or wrong, but about keeping your relationships on stronger ground and
feeling personally accomplished by being an adult about it. Being the appeaser
or placating someone isn’t about being fake, but rather finding a peaceful resolution
to the topic at hand. If it is something that will not matter in the end….Be
the peacemaker, soother, or a calming presence.
Mother Teresa says it best in a small writing that I came across awhile back. "People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten. Do good anyway. Give the world the best that you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway" - Mother Teresa. I hope this melts your heart and gives you goosebumps like it does to me each time I read it. Be mellow anyways.
If you would like one on one work on this topic, call me today! We can role-play for practice and find the best personal guidance for a situation. Before you know it your communications skills will keep many potential hot disagreements from happening.
Copyright © 2013 Merna Throne. All rights reserved.
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