When I began this Magical Mystery Tour I really didn’t have a plan, then I began to put one together. I had my agenda and looks like God had a different one. Ya know, I had a feeling it would be different. The music is here and there, but always on with my headphones and great radio stations. Sharing my favorite musicians with all the people I meet and my friends too. I was following where God was leading me from the get go, so he can show me where he knows I need to visit. This road trip has had that bit of mystery, but I have faith in his guidance.
What I didn’t expect thus far is the downtime (without me filling my time too much) so I could FEEL what I need too. I have been blogging about my unresolved grief just from the past 3.5 years and remembering all the people in my life that have died. It took a bit for all to unfold too and admit. There are 8 deaths total including my Aunt Merna last fall. She was estranged from our family for years and was a recluse. My mother spent time with her at the end no matter what she said, and Aunt Merna welcomed her. She did come to Christmas too. With the same name we always had that connection. She was a talented artist who had that crazy creative side too. The sadness this brought was knowing my Mom was saying good bye to her last sibling and the sadness of how Aunt Merna lived her life. That one is a long story and not my story to tell, so let’s leave it with that. The puzzle pieces of these deaths has slowly being brought to my awareness. The eight people; 4 were family & 4 were close friends who were like family to me. No wonder I could not put my finger on my core sadness. As my friend and former Life Coach Lisa said, awareness is half the battle and I was truly denying all of this. I dealt with them “Logically” and that is how strong unknown denial can have on someone. If I stood back and saw this in one of my clients lives, I would say of course each had an impact on you! Each person’s death has a different power of impact, but in 3 ½ years that is a lot. Anyone must heal from this!
So, the wounds are wide open now and they began to heal in Iowa and all the states since. Yes, this was NOT what I expected on this road trip at all. That is why I liked the word “Mystery” in the title. Plus, as many of you know I am a Technology & Psychology geek, AND a Music Freak… ;) These are the gifts in my life and there are so many more. This awakening is huge to me and acknowledging them I am shedding their burdens they had on me, unknowingly. It feels fucking awesome! There have been many tears shed in every state. To heal our hurts, we must feel the pain to release it…over and over until their power has been minimized over us. This is why people choose denial because somewhere deep down inside we think we won’t survive the pain. Guess what you do! We have to walk through the fire to get to the other side. That is one reason I am a driven person, I know and WANT to finish what I began. I WANT full healing. I WANT to feel ME again. and it’s been happening! I WANT to get to the healthy side.
When a person becomes healed, this doesn’t make things perfect, but rather it helps with clarity when other issues need to be addressed. WE all have negative things we must deal with. Hey that’s life. When an individual (like myself) deals with emotions “Logically” we are keeping ourselves stuck in the pain. Unknowingly or knowingly sometimes. The fork in this road can be awareness, looking in the mirror, or choosing the other path of denial. Just because we can say a lot of words about being fine doesn’t make a person fine. Look in the mirror and discover what is blocking you of being the true blue you, filled with peace, contentment, and true blue love. Using escapes in our life isn’t dealing with shit or keeping super busy. Yep, that is true. If we are constantly seeking excitement, we are avoiding something we do not want to see. Looking in the mirror of self shouldn’t be frightening, but rather KNOW the growth you will feel is better than any escape or high you may seek! It strengthens you!
So, if you are reading my blogs and finding faults in ME or
thinking of how this fits someone else, you are dodging YOU.
Hard but true. Projection is happening. When a person brings up someone else’s low self-esteem, it’s about THEM. They are projecting their denied low self-esteem on you and others. Healthy self-esteem is quiet confidence. It doesn’t contain telling everyone how wonderful you are, stating out loud about your high self-esteem. These are big clues who is suffering. Healthy self-esteem is simply being content with self. It is something that needs attention daily to exercise it and keep it strong. Never perfect tho and knowing this. That is the bottom-line. I get a smirk on my face when people, out of the blue, want to project/dump their shit on me. Then my healthy boundaries get stronger. Just don’t take on others words, just get to know yourself better, heal what you need, talk with trusted friends, and your soul will settle down. How do I know this? I have studied human behavior in college for 10 years and 3 degrees. I am a recovering Alcoholic who began the inner journey at the age of 22. I continue to seek my healthy self and maintain it. I look within, as freaking hard as that is sometimes. I know it’s the way through the fire.
Grief is about big losses in someone’s life. For example, divorce, break ups, ending of a job that is cherished, death, losing your independence as your joints are failing rapidly, etc. Life Coaches can help you with identifying these denied hot spots and help begin that healing path. Unresolved grief makes you unable to handle everything that life throws at you and not enjoying life to the fullest from the inside out. Unresolved grief was driving me in ways I couldn’t see, allowing myself to think about each death/loss makes me cry, sometimes a lot, but I know it’s the only way to find true healing. There is a process to healing and maybe I will write more about that in the future blogs.
Well, well I wrote another long one. I hope I am not boring you, but I know I am in the right mindset, place, heart-set that I need to be for now. Healing now will open so many doors in my life and I WANT them!
Tags: unresolved grief death loss grief sadness hope healing